Recently I was at a wedding. Two of my friends from college got married, and it was lovely. I was so nervous because I don’t get out much unless you count my occasional shopping trips. When I finally got there, I was terrified to get out of the car because I knew there were a hundred people that I didn’t know waiting inside. It was going to be super awkward, and what if I forgot how to be social? Luckily my friend said she would be there soon, so my mom and her friend who drove let me sit in the car until she arrived, and then we went in together. Then I ran into more friends from school, and I actually ended up having a lot of fun. My friend who was getting married looked stunning (as if I expected anything less). They are such a cute couple.
It was lovely to see all my friends from school, especially those who I wasn’t sure remembered me. I was delighted when they seemed just as excited to see me as I was them. If you’ve read my past posts, you know college is a touchy subject for me. You also might remember how oblivious I was to my life. How did I not see how depressed I was? Did I honestly think it was normal to cry and sleep that much? After finishing inpatient, outpatient, and all my mandatory therapy, I finally started feeling good. It amazed me how it took me so long to realize something wasn’t right. I wish more than anything I could redo all of college, feeling and knowing what I do now. Where am I going with this? Ah, that’s right…
So… I had always wondered how I was oblivious to how bad my anxiety and depression had become, but I think I figured it out. While I was at my friend’s wedding, seeing her and talking with her and all my other college friends. It was the most fun I’ve had in so long. We were just catching up and talking about our lives, and I didn’t feel anxious or awkward, not even once. Even though I hadn’t spoken to some of them in forever, it felt like I was back at school, hanging out in each other’s dorm rooms. I forgot how awesome and unique and kind and funny these people were and seeing them after all this time… it finally made sense.
Everyone has darkness in their lives; for some people, it’s darker than it is for others. When I was in college, my life was really dark, but I think I didn’t see it because I was surrounded by so many bright, happy, and just plain awesome people. This will sound cheesy and feelings-y, and you know how I feel about that, but I’m going to say it anyway. I met these super incredible, decent human beings that can be so hard to find. And they brought so much sunshine, joy, and happiness into my life that I think it made the darkness seem much less dark than it really was. Sitting and talking with them today, I thought to myself, how could I have possibly felt down when they were around?
After college, I kind of gave up on people, and I think it was because I knew I would never find anyone else quite like them. I always said, who needs people when you can have animals? And I still stand by that to a point, but sitting there talking to them, I was reminded a little bit of the importance of friendship. I thought that if people weren’t texting me every week, or didn’t respond right away, then it meant they didn’t really care about me. I felt that if they were my friend, they would call or text, but they didn’t, which hurt a lot. I thought they had just forgotten about me or didn’t want to be my friend anymore. After that, I figured I didn’t really need people, and I guess you all know how well that didn’t work out for me.
I was watching this Thai drama, and there was one particular character that I really wanted to punch in the face. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him, but he was too much like me, and I couldn’t stand watching him make all the same stupid mistakes I did. He thought (as did I) that he couldn’t get hurt if he pushed people away and didn’t trust or need anyone. However, what took him like 6-8 episodes to figure out, took me like two or three years. What spectacular revelation did we share??? It’s that even if trusting people get you hurt sometimes, it won’t hurt as bad or long as not having anyone at all. I didn’t see it at first, but eventually, there came a day when I realized something. That keeping a three-foot radius between me and everyone else and not letting people in hurt even worse than feeling like my friends had forgotten about me.
I wasn’t necessarily worried they had forgotten me or anything, but I was afraid that since we hadn’t talked, it meant they didn’t want to be my friend.
That’s why I was so happy when we talked after all that time. It was like we picked up right where we left off, and I honestly don’t think I’ve smiled and laughed that much since I was at school with them years ago. I realized that I don’t need to talk to people all the time to be friends, and just because their lives are busy, and they don’t have time to talk often doesn’t make me any less of a friend. Even though it’s hard cause I get paranoid when people don’t text me back or answer my calls, I’m going to work on not taking it so personally or letting it get to me. Maybe if I get my life together, I’ll be busy too, and then we can be busy and forget to text each other back together, lol.
So…. My advice to year dear readers is that people really do need other people. Even though this world is filled with stuck-up jagweeds, there are still some decent human beings, and I hope you can find yours. I doubt they will be more awesome than mine (Shout out to all of you, I won’t name names; you know who you are), but maybe you’ll find some equally or almost as awesome. Also, just because they forget to message you back or don’t go out of their way to randomly text you, don’t give up on them. Sometimes, people just get busy. One of my bestest friends; we only talk every three or so months because we both forget to call or text each other constantly. Actually, right now, it’s been about half a year, so I should probably go text my friend and hope his number hasn’t changed. 안녕히겨세요!
I have an English/Korean keyboard for my laptop, and it still took me 3 minutes to type that. I’m way faster at texting in Korean than I am typing. Maybe I should practice more…. after I text my friend, so I don’t forget again. Until next time…
Sincerely,
LIBD
Finding Friendship
