Tag: friendship

#MusicMonday (Lucky Charms by Anson Seabra)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey everyone. It’s been a while, but I’m sad again, so here I am. I love Anson Seabra’s music, and I’ve wanted to do a #MusicMonday for one of his songs for quite a while now. It’s been a rough few days though, and I think I finally found the one I want to write about. I’m not going to bore you with my problems just yet, so let’s dive right in.

Same ceiling, different day
I'm awake so stay on my phone for 14 hours again
Same lucky charms in the same bowl
Look for rainbows but all the colors just go grey in the end

I don’t know what’s wrong lately. Maybe I’m overreacting. Perhaps I’m just more insecure than I care to admit. Every day seems like the same struggles that get harder and harder to ignore. I used to not care, so why do I suddenly care so much? Why does life hurt so bad right now?

Wish I could say, wish I could say
That this won't last forever
But every day, but every day
It never seems to get better

I keep waiting for it to get better, but every day it doesn’t, just makes me feel that much worse. I just want to cry. When will it get better?

I hate myself but I don't want to
I'd ask for help but I'm too strong to

I am supposed to know how to deal with life. I’m supposed to have all the answers to share with you guys. I’m supposed to prove that things get better, but why does it feel so horrible again? I don’t want to feel like this. I hate myself, but I don’t want to. I just do, and I wish I knew how to stop.

I got some feelings I've been fighting
Always hiding the truth
I hate myself but I don't want to

I don’t know who to talk to. Who can help me? I have so many people I can talk to, but why do I feel so alone? I’m worried my friend hates me, and I can’t ask her because she’s too nice to admit it. I don’t want her to only talk to me out of pity. It’s so exhausting trying to decide if someone hates me or if they really are just that busy. They seem to have time for everyone else, so why doesn’t she have time for me? I wish she would just tell me she hates me. It wouldn’t hurt so much if she hated me.

Friends say that I'm dramatic, that I'm acting
Yeah, I'm just looking for attention again
I never thought that this would happen
Kinda sad when, when all you got is just a voice in your head

I hate that voice in my head. It’s so mean. Like Tomoons on Twitter right now, complaining about the tour, it just won’t shut up, and just like Tomoons on Twitter, I really wish it would shut up. Maybe I am over-dramatic. I can’t just go around asking my friends if they hate me. None of them would ever admit it to my face.

Wish I could say, wish I could say
That this won't last forever
But every day, but every day
It never seems to get better

Nothing’s going right. I’ve got more important things to worry about. There’s a Oneus concert coming up, and I always thought I would go with my best friend, but I don’t even know if she ever really thought of me as a friend or if she was just being nice, hoping that eventually I would go away. I have other friends though, so why do I care so much?

I hate myself but I don't want to
I'd ask for help but I'm too strong to
I got some feelings I've been fighting
Always hiding the truth

Why is it that no one ever seems to care about me as much as I care about them? What’s wrong with me? Am I a bad person? Is it because I’m too much? Did I do something wrong? I’ve tried so hard to be a better friend, and I know I have 2 friends who care about me. Is it because I’m too ungrateful? Am I too annoying? I always tell my friends that if they just tell me to shut up, I will………………… Why won’t she just tell me if she hates me?

I hate myself but I don't want to
I hate myself but I don't want to
I don't wanna live my life like this
Going through the motion

Every day I try so hard not to care. I hate that I don’t have faith in my friends. I hate that I’m so insecure. I hate how I always act like nothing bothers me and then cry over stupid things like this. I don’t want to hate myself, but sometimes it’s just so hard not to. I’m not motivated and don’t take good care of myself. It’s not hard to believe that she might be my friend out of pity, but I wish people would just tell me straight. I’ll be hurt a bit at first, but I know it won’t hurt as bad or as long as this.

I don't wanna live my life like this
Always feeling broken

I hate it. It sucks feeling like this. Being paranoid and never knowing for sure whether people really care or not. I have 2 amazing friends, though, but I thought I had 3, and that’s what bothers me. I hate feeling so broken like I’m always falling apart and piecing myself back together. Why am I like this?

I hate myself but I don't want to
I'd ask for help but I'm too strong to
I got some feelings I've been fighting
Always hiding the truth

I just wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make everyone speak the truth. How pathetic am I? It’s no wonder she doesn’t like hanging out with me. Her other friends are probably more fun and reasonable. Her other friends probably aren’t as annoying. I always say, “A lot of people say a lot of things. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.” I hate that I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I hate that I hate, but I don’t know how to stop. I can’t trust anyone, no matter how badly I want to. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I don’t know how to stop hating.

I hate myself but I don't want to [x4}

Thanks for reading. I don’t know. I kind of hope no one reads it. I was so excited about the concert, but the 1 person I was most looking forward to going with wasn’t going. I’m sure she doesn’t actually hate me. She told me the other day we would hang out soon because she misses me. But like I said, she’s just really nice like that. She always has a legit excuse, but for some reason, I don’t believe anymore that she doesn’t hate me. Don’t be mad at her. She’s a really fantastic person, and I hope the people she spends time with understand how lucky they are to have someone like her in their lives. Which is the exact same reason I’m concerned she’s only being nice to me because she’s just that good of a person. I keep telling myself to just leave her alone and not bother her, but I still try to talk to her for some reason. Anyway, it’s late. Life is always worse at night, so I’ll go sleep. Goodnight, guys.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Better than you think

Posted on by LIBD

Picture Credit: Charlie Mackesy

Hey y’all. What a week, am I right? Do you like the picture? Me too! It inspired this post, but you’ll have to read to find out more. Also, I forgot I only posted it on the Facebook page, but what I did this week was a bit different. Every day I picked a song that I felt best summed up that day and wrote down a quick summary of each day that I would compile into one post on Saturday (today).

I will link the songs in the post if you want to listen. You can use English subtitles in the videos for Korean songs. I didn’t know how it would turn out, and this week, I crashed and burned so hard it’s laughable, and I can laugh about it now. It was a trip and a half and…. well, I’ll let you read it for yourself….

Monday: This has been an awful day. I’ve been watching RuPaul’s drag race while playing euchre to pass the time because I can’t focus on anything. Also, everything makes me angry. Anytime anyone says anything to me, I instantly feel personally attacked. Plus, I’m so tired. Tired of being stressed and overwhelmed constantly. Even the grumpy tuna lady (she’s one of the regulars at work, and she’s really not grumpy, but by the time I found that out, the name had already stuck) told me I looked burnt out. My family and friends didn’t notice, but grumpy tuna lady did.

Honestly though, how do I tell people that my life is a mess and I’m dying inside? How do you start that conversation? I hate Mondays, I hate my job, and I hate being an adult…. I’m basically just the news. I’m full of hate, I don’t have anything nice to say, and the entire world would be better off avoiding me. At least for today. Ugh, I need a vacation. Today’s song was She’s in the Rain by The Rose.

Tuesday: Today started out fantastic! I ordered a JBJ95 light stick I had wanted since it first came out. I was so excited, and I went to tell my mom, and you know what she said? “Cool.” Not “Cool!!!!” not even, “That’s awesome!” just “cool” with a bored look on her face, and my day just went down the drain from there. Life sucks. Today’s song is Can’t You See Me by Tomorrow X Together because that song really says it all.

If you really want to know how I feel, ask me to tell you in songs. I can explain my feelings in songs all day long, words not so much. In church last Sunday, we talked about how it’s important to have someone in your corner to back you up or be that person for someone else. I can tell you right now that my corner just has cobwebs all over it. I’m not even in my corner half of the time, and I feel like no one understands! I just want someone in my corner. Anyone really, at this point. I can’t afford to be picky anymore. I’m so tired.

Wednesday: I had a lot of fun at the barn. Me and Sunny were great, and I had so much fun with my friends…… Now I’m home, my life sucks, and everything is awful. Don’t judge me for saying that. I’ve gone over 2 months without saying it (that’s a new record), but I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick and tired of being optimistic about life! It sucks!! Or at least it does right now, and no one cares!!!!!!!!

Today I picked the song Drive by Incubus. So, I guess “whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there,” but right now, I think I’m having a panic attack, so I’m going to sleep. Also, today I was told that my problems aren’t that bad and that I need to get a REAL job. Like I said, no one understands, and no one cares enough to want to understand.

Thursday: I hate everything. No matter how many naps I take, I’m still tired. No matter how early I go to bed, I’m still tired. The only people who care are the ones who can’t help me, and the few who can help me are the ones who don’t care because it’s not their life, so it’s not really important to them. I just want to get my life together and be semi-independent. Isn’t that what they want too? Why is life so hard? today’s song was Brave by Riley Pearce because I too, am trying to be brave. It’s just not working, like, at all. Well, I guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep now. Whatever.

Friday: Today has been interesting, work was okay, and when I took the dogs out, I saw a package on the porch that was addressed to me. It turns out my dad randomly sent me some books. This one caught my attention because it was not written like most books. There were so many pictures, so I decided to read it.

It didn’t take long to finish, and I cried my way through it because everything was just what I needed to hear. It’s called “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse” by Charlie Mackesy. The photo at the top is actually from the book, which I highly recommend. It kind of felt like a kids’ story, but it was full of great life advice.

I wasn’t a fan of the ending though. The book ends with them realizing that no matter what happens or how scary life is, it’s okay because they have each other and are not alone. That part kind of bummed me out because honestly, for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I’m all alone in life. For as long as I can remember, whenever family or friends told me they loved me, I never really bought it. What I heard is: I don’t hate you. This is actually how I tell people I love them.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m really not that great with… I think it’s called interpersonal relationships. I’ve learned recently that, in fact, many people do care about me, which would be awesome, except for some reason, I don’t feel any different. I still feel like it’s me against the world all by myself, which makes me very sad.

Maybe part of it is I can’t drive. Historically friends who can drive don’t really want to hang out a lot with friends who can’t drive. I do have 1 friend who is an exception. She is an excellent friend, but I still feel jealous of the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse.

They are friends, but they are also like family. Family has always been hard for me because ever since I was little, I decided if I convinced myself that no one loved me, then no one could hurt me. It worked well (unfortunately), but now that I have to trust and rely on people, it’s hard to ask people for help when you feel like they don’t give a shit about you. People say they love me, but it doesn’t really mean anything to me. Especially when their actions often say otherwise.

Many times, people will say they want to hang out or go get coffee, which makes me feel good, but it usually doesn’t mean anything. We don’t actually end up hanging out together, but it was still nice to say, I guess. I’ve finally reached a point in my life when I have to ask for help, but I can’t because I don’t have anyone in my corner to help me.

I’ve also never needed anyone in my corner before. I’ve always been just fine with me, myself, and I. Now that I need help from actual humans, I turn around, and there is no one there. I don’t know how to magically start believing that people really care about me or love me. I don’t know what to do.

I want to have friends like the mole, the fox, and the horse, but I’m just not that close to anyone, and no one has ever cared as much about me as I did them. You might think I’m rude or out of line, but I’m not. Except for a few people outside my family, if I didn’t reach out to them, I’d never see or hear from them again. Even the few that do care, some live so far away that we can’t be as good of friends as we used to.

The other /one is great, but I’m still convinced at some point that she will leave and move on with her life without me, just like all the others. That’s why no matter how much I need to; I don’t want to trust anyone else. I know it’s not my fault we drifted apart, but I’m not good at making new friends, so when I lose friends, I just feel lonelier and lonelier. That said, there are many great quotes from this book to help me get through life, including the idea of focusing on how far I’ve come.

Maybe one day I’ll love and be loved like the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse, but until then, I think I’ll be okay. If I’m not, I’ll just keep reading that book over and over again. Today’s song was On by BTS, and if you look up the lyrics, you will know exactly why I picked it. It is my fight song. Whenever life gets hard, I can listen to that song, or I can take the mole’s advice and just eat cake. I will share one more quote from the book before we go.

“What else do you think?”
“I think” said the horse “you are doing better than you think”

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse

And that’s what I will try to hold onto until I move past this. Besides, in the words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?!” Thank you, guys, so much for reading. I would like to dedicate this blog to all my friends and family who have supported me, prayed for me, and sent me positive vibes these past few days.

Even though I’ve still got problems, it meant a lot that you guys took time out of your day to let me know you were thinking about me. I would also like to thank my dad for sending me that extraordinary book. Also, to my brother for bringing me Starbucks while I was having an awful day at work.

It totally made my day, and I think…. I’ve never felt this before. Perhaps this is what feeling loved feels like??? I like it! Also, shout out to my friends, I’m sure I’m not the easiest person to be friends with, and the fact that you haven’t run away screaming says marvelous things about you.

It’s okay to not be okay, and this week I really wasn’t, but I think I’ve laid on the ground in defeat for long enough. I think I’m ready to be okay again, so wish me luck, and I wish you guys the best of luck too. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

2022 Update: I’ve found my boy, fox, and horse. My cake obsession definitely qualifies me for mole status. I hope everybody can experience that level of friendship. The fox lives in Mexico, and we’ve only met face to face a few times on video chat, but she is still one of my closest friends. The boy is busy a lot, but she tries to make time for me when she can. The horse…. She’s basically the horse in the book. She always knows what to say. They know when to give me a hug and when to metaphorically slap me in the face. Which is a very important quality for friends to have.

adult affection beads blur

Finding Friendship

Posted on by LIBD

Recently I was at a wedding. Two of my friends from college got married, and it was lovely. I was so nervous because I don’t get out much unless you count my occasional shopping trips. When I finally got there, I was terrified to get out of the car because I knew there were a hundred people that I didn’t know waiting inside. It was going to be super awkward, and what if I forgot how to be social? Luckily my friend said she would be there soon, so my mom and her friend who drove let me sit in the car until she arrived, and then we went in together. Then I ran into more friends from school, and I actually ended up having a lot of fun. My friend who was getting married looked stunning (as if I expected anything less). They are such a cute couple.

It was lovely to see all my friends from school, especially those who I wasn’t sure remembered me. I was delighted when they seemed just as excited to see me as I was them. If you’ve read my past posts, you know college is a touchy subject for me. You also might remember how oblivious I was to my life. How did I not see how depressed I was? Did I honestly think it was normal to cry and sleep that much? After finishing inpatient, outpatient, and all my mandatory therapy, I finally started feeling good. It amazed me how it took me so long to realize something wasn’t right. I wish more than anything I could redo all of college, feeling and knowing what I do now. Where am I going with this? Ah, that’s right…

So… I had always wondered how I was oblivious to how bad my anxiety and depression had become, but I think I figured it out. While I was at my friend’s wedding, seeing her and talking with her and all my other college friends. It was the most fun I’ve had in so long. We were just catching up and talking about our lives, and I didn’t feel anxious or awkward, not even once. Even though I hadn’t spoken to some of them in forever, it felt like I was back at school, hanging out in each other’s dorm rooms. I forgot how awesome and unique and kind and funny these people were and seeing them after all this time… it finally made sense.

Everyone has darkness in their lives; for some people, it’s darker than it is for others. When I was in college, my life was really dark, but I think I didn’t see it because I was surrounded by so many bright, happy, and just plain awesome people. This will sound cheesy and feelings-y, and you know how I feel about that, but I’m going to say it anyway. I met these super incredible, decent human beings that can be so hard to find. And they brought so much sunshine, joy, and happiness into my life that I think it made the darkness seem much less dark than it really was. Sitting and talking with them today, I thought to myself, how could I have possibly felt down when they were around?

After college, I kind of gave up on people, and I think it was because I knew I would never find anyone else quite like them. I always said, who needs people when you can have animals? And I still stand by that to a point, but sitting there talking to them, I was reminded a little bit of the importance of friendship. I thought that if people weren’t texting me every week, or didn’t respond right away, then it meant they didn’t really care about me. I felt that if they were my friend, they would call or text, but they didn’t, which hurt a lot. I thought they had just forgotten about me or didn’t want to be my friend anymore. After that, I figured I didn’t really need people, and I guess you all know how well that didn’t work out for me.

I was watching this Thai drama, and there was one particular character that I really wanted to punch in the face. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him, but he was too much like me, and I couldn’t stand watching him make all the same stupid mistakes I did. He thought (as did I) that he couldn’t get hurt if he pushed people away and didn’t trust or need anyone. However, what took him like 6-8 episodes to figure out, took me like two or three years. What spectacular revelation did we share??? It’s that even if trusting people get you hurt sometimes, it won’t hurt as bad or long as not having anyone at all. I didn’t see it at first, but eventually, there came a day when I realized something. That keeping a three-foot radius between me and everyone else and not letting people in hurt even worse than feeling like my friends had forgotten about me.
I wasn’t necessarily worried they had forgotten me or anything, but I was afraid that since we hadn’t talked, it meant they didn’t want to be my friend.

That’s why I was so happy when we talked after all that time. It was like we picked up right where we left off, and I honestly don’t think I’ve smiled and laughed that much since I was at school with them years ago. I realized that I don’t need to talk to people all the time to be friends, and just because their lives are busy, and they don’t have time to talk often doesn’t make me any less of a friend. Even though it’s hard cause I get paranoid when people don’t text me back or answer my calls, I’m going to work on not taking it so personally or letting it get to me. Maybe if I get my life together, I’ll be busy too, and then we can be busy and forget to text each other back together, lol.

So…. My advice to year dear readers is that people really do need other people. Even though this world is filled with stuck-up jagweeds, there are still some decent human beings, and I hope you can find yours. I doubt they will be more awesome than mine (Shout out to all of you, I won’t name names; you know who you are), but maybe you’ll find some equally or almost as awesome. Also, just because they forget to message you back or don’t go out of their way to randomly text you, don’t give up on them. Sometimes, people just get busy. One of my bestest friends; we only talk every three or so months because we both forget to call or text each other constantly. Actually, right now, it’s been about half a year, so I should probably go text my friend and hope his number hasn’t changed. 안녕히겨세요!

I have an English/Korean keyboard for my laptop, and it still took me 3 minutes to type that. I’m way faster at texting in Korean than I am typing. Maybe I should practice more…. after I text my friend, so I don’t forget again. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD