Hey guys is been a while… A really, really long while. I’ve had a lot going on and was trying to work through some stuff. I’m still working through it but I’m hoping maybe this will help, so here it goes….
When I first noticed people using this abbreviation ‘tbh’ I was totally confused. I was still a teenager at the time so, I felt like I should’ve figured it out. However, I’ve always been a bit behind the times so I finally swallowed my pride and asked one of my younger, much cooler friends to set the record straight. That was quite a while ago, but recently I’ve been thinking a lot about being honest and I think it’s time I was honest about a few things. I’d like to address the three friendships I ruined. It wasn’t completely my fault but I no I messed up somewhere along the line, and I want to say sorry.
To my first friend I honestly just wanted to hang out with you I’m sorry I can’t drive yet and I’m sorry you felt like I was using you. I really miss you, but it made me sad and a little angry. I just couldn’t believe how little you thought of me, and if that is how you think of me then you definitely deserve a much better friend than me. TBH I hope someday we can be friends again. 2019 update: congrats on your wedding.
To my second friend I never should have told you how I felt, and I’m sorry. I really enjoyed talking to you and the cute animal video’s you sent me, and I seriously wasn’t even expecting you to feel the same way. I just needed to know straight up that you only wanted to be friends because I legit couldn’t tell. Maybe we weren’t really friends in the first place and I was reading to much into it the whole time. Maybe you really are just a super nice guy. You’ll always be the 3rd best friend I ever had. TBH I wish I could take it back so that we could have stayed friends.
To my third friend I’m sorry for whatever I said or did. I never claimed to be perfect, but I really did like being around you. You were funny and awesome and nice and even though you didn’t always believe it you are a super cool person. You were one of the best friends I ever had. You and your mom were like a second family to me. Even when I felt like we were starting to grow apart I really never wanted to lose you as a friend, but I think I have. I just want you to know that I wasn’t using you, and I’m sorry if it came across that way. I’m sorry if I wasn’t a better friend to you. Maybe I was selfish, maybe I was weird. I’m not perfect, I never said I was, and I’m sorry. TBH I miss you so much. 2019 update: You seem to have a bright future ahead of you, and I wish you the best of luck with all of it.
To any other friends I’ve ever had, I’m sorry but a lot of you didn’t know me. To the friends who do know me I’ll get to you in a bit, but to those of you who don’t it’s not your fault. I thought if I ignored my problems things would go back to normal, and it kind of worked. My problems didn’t disappear, but around you guys I felt normal. Some of you might not consider me a friend, but I always considered you my friend. We weren’t super close, and some of you were closer than others. I didn’t tell you what was going on in my life because part of me didn’t think you would care and the other part just didn’t want to say it out loud. I was afraid if you knew me, the real me, and if I told you the whole story you wanted to hear then you would see me differently and I didn’t want that.
For the friends that know me, I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you do for me. You listen, even when you had no idea what to say or how to make it better. You weren’t afraid to tell me the truth even when I didn’t like it or want to hear it. You held me when I cried and you cared. You tried to help even when I was sure no one could. You dragged me out of bed when I was to depressed to face the world, and more importantly you helped me face the world. You didn’t judge me, or at least if you did I never found out about it lol. You let me be myself even if myself was a little crazy and incredibly annoying at times. I will be forever grateful to you guys. For the first time in my life I had people that excepted me for exactly who I was. And I love you for it.
Now to address life. TBH I really hate my job, and if I knew three years ago I would end up with this job I would have cried. Also if I’m being honest I know I need to get better, but TBH sometimes I don’t want to. I’m sorry I don’t want to get better. Maybe I’m scared, maybe I’m lazy, or maybe I’m still terrified of failure. TBH sometimes I just want someone to tell me that they care, that they believe in me, that they have faith in me. Honestly, I can’t do it alone. I know I should be able to, and I know people have better things to do than help me get my life together, but when I’m alone I just don’t care. TBH I just don’t care about a lot of things in life, and even though I know I probably should I just don’t and I don’t know why. To be honest I just don’t know how to break through that wall that has been there forever.
Now to address having muscular dystrophy…. I hate it. I really honestly hate it. TBH It scares the hell out of me every time I see myself getting worse. It scares the hell out of me to think that one day I’ll be stuck in a wheelchair and not be able to ride or work with horses. TBH I know I should be happy that its the mildest form of MD, but it hurts so much being so close to normal and being held back. I want to run, I want to ground mount I want to get up off of the floor without needing help. I want to be a camp counselor again without being in a constant state of pain and exhaustion . I want to dance, or give gymnastics another shot. I want to make it through one night of work without being in pain. I’m so lucky for all the things I can do, but TBH I hate it and I refuse to except it. Call me ungrateful if you must, you wouldn’t be wrong, but like I said…. I’m just being honest. 2019 update: learned a part of a kpop dance, I can get up from the floor without help again, I’m still going strong with horses, but I also still hate having muscular dystrophy.
TBH I not perfect, and I’ll never claim to be.
