Tag: inspiration

scenic view of mountains during dawn

#MusicMonday (There’s Beautiful Coming by Jamie Grey)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey guys! So, there’s this song that’s been living rent-free in my head the past few days. It’s called There’s Beautiful Coming by Jamie Grey It’s hard right now. I have a lot to be thankful for, but there’s a lot that could be better, and it’s hard because in the moment, it feels so dark and hopeless. There’s a part in the song Touchy Feely Fool by AJR that says, “Someday won’t this be funny? Well, I want it funny now. Man, I want to laugh so loud. Someday won’t this be long ago? I want to feel that now.” And I think that’s why I keep coming back to this song.

I hate to make this about AJR, but in their song The Good Part, it says, “If there’s a good part then I hope it’s not far cause’ I thought it’d be today”. I’ve also been working hard on my blog SEO, Etsy shop, and Facebook page. I’m making progress, but I’m still not where I want to be… Which brings me back to today’s song.

Another storm outside your house
The road is long to find north from south
But I'll be there to hold you close whenever life takes a toll

It’s just so discouraging, you know? When you are giving everything you’ve got, and it never seems to be enough. I just want to know if I’m heading in the right direction or wasting my time. I’ve wasted so much time already that I can’t afford to waste any more.

You can cry on me, girl
If you feel unheard
Talk to me, say everything
I'll try to be your medicine
Just cry on me, girl
I'll show you

Sometimes I just wanna cry because it’s easier to say I’m fine than to give the rundown on every single thing that’s going wrong in my life. Who has the time for that? I don’t. So I pray, and vent to Chat GPT and talk to Kota. It doesn’t fix the problem, though. It’s like this time I got a little overconfident with an avocado and accidentally cut my thumb.

I just kept putting a Band-Aid on it, and it took forever to heal and healed a little weirdly. I asked a friend who was EMS trained why it was healing weird, and he said, “Because that’s what happens when you stick a knife in your thumb and don’t get stitches”. I was like, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”, but I feel like I’m just putting a Band-Aid on a problem that probably needs stitches. My thumb eventually healed, so maybe this too will pass.

The sun will come out and dry every tear
If you keep on fighting for something
There's beautiful coming
'Cause life behind the clouds
Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling
There's beautiful coming

That’s the line that originally drew me in. “If you keep on fighting for something, there’s beautiful coming.” I know deep down it will pass. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m going to get there. Sometimes though, facts and feelings don’t line up. My brain says there’s beautiful coming, but my feelings say, “What if it doesn’t get better?”. It’s so easy to say it gets better, but it’s harder to believe it and feel it.

It isn't fair, hmm, the pain that you feel
I will take your despair to see your soul heal
I'll be there to hold you close whenever life takes a toll
You can cry on me, girl

I have this fear that my life is going to be constant striving and no payoff. One time, I was talking about my blog, and I said that a smarter person probably would have given up by now. Someone thought I was talking about my life, and I remember thinking, “Well, that could apply to my life too, but that’s a conversation for my psychiatrist”. Luckily for my readers and my psychiatrist, I’m incredibly stubborn and don’t know when to quit. Also, I would hate to miss my next great day because I was a quitter.

If you feel unheard
Just talk to me, say everything
I'll try to be your medicine
Just cry on me, girl
I'll show you
The sun will come out and dry every tear
If you keep on fighting for something
There's beautiful coming

It’s that time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in, so I felt like now would be a good time to share this song with you guys. It’s okay to be discouraged. It’s okay to cry and be frustrated. It’s okay to want more out of your life, but where we are right now is not our forever. As long as you are here and moving forward, there is always hope. Every tomorrow is an opportunity for better days.

I’m hoping to get my LIBD Exclusives added to my shop soon. One of my collections is my ‘There’s Always Tomorrow’ necklaces. My LIBD Exclusives are made in limited quantities and come with a handwritten note from me about the inspiration behind the design. Please look forward to those. I will post on Facebook when they are added, but for now, let’s get back to today’s post.

'Cause life behind the clouds
Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling
There's beautiful coming
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
There's beautiful coming
The sun will come out and dry every tear
If you keep on fighting for something
There's beautiful coming

So let’s keep fighting. For ourselves, for our goals, and for a better tomorrow. Bad things happen quickly, but the best things in life take time. I know I’ll be alright, and I promise you will too.

'Cause life behind the clouds
Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling
There's beautiful coming for you
There's beautiful coming

There IS beautiful coming, and I’m going to keep fighting for it. Thank you so much for reading. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Also, I was thinking about doing a post to introduce my succulents. Is that something you guys would be interested in? Since I can’t afford horseback riding anymore, they’ve become my new side hobby when I’m not working either of my two jobs or working on my blog or jewelry. If there’s anything you guys would like me to write about, let me know.

I’ll see you for the next one and make sure you are following me on Facebook, so you’ll know when my LIBD Exclusives get released. I’m so grateful for each and every one of my readers, and I hope you are doing well. If not, I hope this post provided even a tiny glimmer of hope and positivity. I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange starfish

The Starfish and the Storm

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sound familiar? You guys know I try not to be political, and I won’t start now. I’m just going to be honest. I try hard to make my Facebook a happy place. Cute kittens, bad puns, pretty horses, and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I try it doesn’t keep all the bad out. I saw a story about a guy who hurt a bunch of baby kittens just to spite its owner. The police said the kittens were taken to the vet and recovering from their injuries.

It’s not just kittens though. National Parks cut funding. And if we can get people engaged with the natural world, how are we going to protect it? Poaching is still a problem, even with modern technology. I saw a few articles about students at a local university with valid student visas sent home and told they couldn’t learn here anymore. US Citizens were deported because they looked like they might not be. In the first three months of 2025, there have been 91 mass shootings in the United States, resulting in 118 deaths and 338 injuries. But the people in power want to keep handing out guns like Halloween Candy.

I had all of this in my head, and I was listening to the sound of silence (Disturbed’s version) and filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get so angry sometimes because I try to filter out the news I don’t actively seek it out. I only know these things, but I’m sure there’s much more. I’m angry because how are we as a society not screaming in outrage every day? How are we not crying ourselves to sleep at the mere thought of all the violence, hurt, pain, and injustice that’s happening every single day? But most importantly how do I find any hope in a broken world?

I know that not everyone is silent. There are a lot of people screaming into the void, pleading for peace and justice. There are a lot of people supporting the national parks, doing their part to help the environment, and trying to help people understand the gravity of our current situation. I saw a documentary about kid influencers and about family channels on YouTube. It’s not just politics. There are SO MANY issues with our world as it is right now.

I found out I’m not the only one who uses AI as a pocket therapist, but it has helped me in between visits with my psychiatrist a lot. It validates my feelings but also offers solutions, so I told it how I was feeling. It told me I probably wasn’t alone in these feelings and I know I’m not.

There are a lot of people hurting from all the hurt in the world. There are some problems that AI can’t help you fix. I can’t end war or world hunger or take all the plastic out of the ocean and make every farmer use sustainable agricultural practices to help the earth. I can’t stop poachers or make people care. I can write a blog post though, and Chat GPT did tell me something that helped. It said:

But even in the face of that darkness, your empathy is a kind of quiet resistance. The fact that you feel so much means your heart hasn’t hardened. That matters. That is light. You don’t have to fix the whole world. Just loving Kota the way you do, writing your blog to help others, showing up with kindness—that already shifts things more than you know.

The fact that we hurt, the fact that we care…. The fact that I used the word we means we are not just going to sit back and accept everything as if it’s okay. You can’t fix the world either, but you can be kind. You can support people and organizations that champion the cause you care about. I support the World Wildlife Fund, because animals and by extension their habitat, are very important to me. I can try to express my point of view compassionately, honestly, and respectfully. I can support other people who are also hurting.

This world may feel dark unkind and unjust, but it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t have to be fact. My dad has this quote he really likes that says “I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do” It’s not truly hopeless until we give up hope. So let’s keep caring, keep hoping, and keep doing all the good that we can do.

I’m going to end with the starfish story. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s by Loren Eiseley. It’s about a girl walking along the beach throwing starfish that washed up back into the water. This man sees her and asks what she is doing and the girl explains. He tells the girl there are so many starfish she can’t possibly save them all. The girl looks sad as she throws another one into the water, but then she says “Well, I saved that one!”.

Let’s find our starfish friends. Thank you for reading! It’s 11:19 and I’ve got an Easter Sunday service bright and early tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and be sure to subscribe so you never miss a post! Hang in there guys, and remember you are not alone.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Reality Checkmate

Posted on by Er-Budd

I have this theory that people with bigger imaginations are more prone to depression. Maybe it’s just me. I was thinking about this on my way home from work today. The song King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men came on and it reminded me of the kind of stories I used to read.

I would read anything fantasy and adventure. I was always jealous of the main characters because, at the beginning of the books everyone is just like me. A boring human living their boring life. Not a lot of friends not very popular. Usually, their future goals and dreams aren’t even brought up. They don’t need to because we will watch their future unfold as the story goes on.

One of my favorite stereotypical plots is the girl with no friends who catches the attention of the new guy who won’t give anyone but her the time of day. I don’t mean twilight. That’s not a good example of how you want to start a relationship. There are lots of others. Then it goes on and she turns out to be a queen of this whole other universe she didn’t know existed. Maybe she goes on an adventure and isn’t the queen but discovers this new world and falls in love with the cute elf that she used to hate at the beginning, but throughout the story they grow to like and respect each other.

Frodo got to go on a mega-adventure to get the ring to Mordor!! He also almost died like 4 times though so maybe not that one. Narnia was fantastic!! That’s a great example of the fairy tale life I would like. I used to always have my head in a book. I only read fiction I never read non-fiction or historical books or stuff like that. Never. Do you want to know why? Reality is boring!!! It’s so boring. It’s mundane and predictable, and you are almost certainly guaranteed to NOT get a happy ending. Why on Gods green earth would I read that when I live it every day.

When I was a little girl, I would dream of all the great things that I would accomplish. I would become a famous speaker and travel around the world inspiring millions of kids with my life story and words of wisdom. The only problem is my story isn’t that inspiring. My life is a book I would most DEFINITELY never ever read.

The only problem is that this dreadful work of non-fiction is my life. This is where I’m at, and I’m going to be 30 next year. My imagination can keep dreaming up all the awesome things it wants, but at the end of the day, this is the story I’m stuck with. I’m not special, I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter, and I’m not saving a mythical realm. There are no dragons or unicorns anywhere, and every new guy I’ve ever known couldn’t care less.

I thought the title was super clever! I’m actually really proud of myself for coming up with it. I may be turning 30, but my imagination stopped aging after 13. I can never decide if that’s actually a good thing or not. Because that is the problem when you spend so much time imagining the possibilities.

As year after year goes by, I realize time is going on and on and my life is still just this sad pathetic work of non-fiction. Reality slaps me across the face and calls checkmate. Suddenly I start to think maybe I should have spent less time reading those books and watching those movies and more time playing chess because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

So let’s talk about imagination vs. reality. Do I just lay down and accept defeat? Try to come to terms with the fact that my whole life is this lame boring saga of uneventfulness. It doesn’t even matter if I would rather die than read it because I’m living it, and it’s just as boring as I had feared. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? The only thing I know for certain is that I’m definitely not in one of those books so I very well may not even get a happy ending and if this is all there is then what’s the point you know?

Wow, I’m sorry that got super depressing, but honestly, I have to keep up that delusion of possibilities. When everything and everyone around you is yelling checkmate, IT IS really depressing. This is another one of those posts where I don’t have a conclusion. Everyone has to ‘face the music’ eventually, but how long do I have to face it before I can start pretending that one day something awesome might happen. Maybe one day I’ll walk through the right wardrobe.

I was watching Hidden Figures which was based on a true story, but it was a true story about the type of people I always dreamed I might be, so it was fine. Anyway, there’s this one scene where there’s this rocket that’s coming back from outer space and there’s a problem with the heat shield and they decide not to tell the pilot. They could’ve yelled checkmate. They could have said it loud and clear, but they chose not to because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Is that so wrong?

I don’t know how I ended up writing so much. I was actually thinking about giving up on this blog, but I think I’m going to choose ignorance and keep up the fantasy that eventually it will be read by millions with new comments and likes every single day. Because that’s the kind of story I would want to read. I can’t stand sad endings because we all know life sucks, you really don’t need to make a movie about it. That’s why books are always better. 9/10 very predictable, super engaging, and honestly, I need a break from this trainwreck I’m living. I stopped reading because I thought it would help discourage my imagination. Obviously, that hasn’t worked.

I’m going to keep telling myself that age is just a number because I’m not ready to lay down and accept defeat just yet. It may be getting harder to escape from reality, but I’m not going to stop trying. No matter how many TV shows or movies I watch. No matter how many books I read. Reality is always going to be there to scream checkmate right into my face. I don’t know about you, but that almost sounds like a challenge to me…. Well, jokes on reality because everyone who knows me knows the lengths I’m willing to go to just for the sake of proving a point. Challenge accepted.

I’ve got another post in the works, but it’s been in the works for months now. Thank you to everyone who read to the end and I’m sorry I can’t give you a time frame for the next one but thank you for reading and please let me know what you think. I hope you have a very happy Holiday Season!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Anxiety by Simple Plan)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey guys! Welcome to part 2! Ever since I got the great idea for a new series I hit a roadblock. Just between you and me, this was not at all what I originally planned. This is so much better than what I imagined in my head when I announced I was starting a new series. Also, I just saw Inside Out 2 and the way they portrayed Anxiety was so fascinating. I was sitting in the theater thinking, “omg I can’t wait to write about this”. Let’s get right into it. Also by the time this is posted my Etsy shop should be up and running so click the LIBD Designs page for more info about that. Self-promotion aside. Let’s do this.

The pressure comes, I can feel it now
I'm just another tragic case of
The only one I was missing out
Comparisons I can't escape from

I was at my friend’s house, and I told her Simple Plan had some new albums, but I was afraid to listen to them because I was worried that after so long, they may have lost their relatability. I was like “They have a song called Anxiety. I’ve got to hear it” In those first 4 verses I knew that they hadn’t changed a bit, and I was so relieved. Especially with all the drama I was dealing with. This quickly became my new favorite song.

Pre Chorus:
All these voices circling my head (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
I wish I was someone else instead
'Cause it all just brings me down

This takes me back to when I was in college. There’s this part in Inside Out 2… Okay, let me stop and say if you haven’t seen the movie, this whole post is a spoiler lol… There’s this scene where Anxiety is trying to get this group of girls to like Riley and be friends with them, and it’s really funny to watch because you can totally tell that she’s not acting like herself at all, and it reminded me of when I was in college and tried so hard to get people to like me, and in reality, I just embarrassed myself and looked stupid. I’m happy that it only took Riley a week to realize that it wasn’t working. It took me WAY longer.

Chorus:
Anxiety is killing me
All of these expectations are shaking up my sanity
I'm getting so tired of faking now

And dude it is SO exhausting, especially when you realize that no matter how hard you try you will never get everyone to like you. Expectations can only be so high before they become unrealistic. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and not being perfect. Then hating myself for not being perfect. It truly is insanity.

Chorus continued:
It's all so much that I can't breathe
There must be something wrong with me
Reality is killing me
It's giving me anxiety

This is how I felt in April and May, the anxiety was killing me. In Inside Out 2, all Anxiety wanted to do was set Riley up for success. There’s a part near the end where she was like “What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’m so glad you asked Joy…insert chain of catastrophes….. and then we die!” I was talking to my new psychiatrist today because I have an irrational fear of being poisoned (that wasn’t the reason I went it just came up when she asked me if I was paranoid), and you know what she told me? Well, it never hurts to be cautious as long as it’s not affecting your health or daily life. For the first time in forever, someone told me that my anxiety was good.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety

I’m not sure if he’s telling the anxiety to get away from him, or if he has social anxiety specifically so he’s telling people to get away from him. It’s very vague. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I try to run, gotta separate
It's everywhere, it's all around me

There are lots of things to be anxious about and after watching that movie and talking with my psychiatrist I realized Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. The problem is when you let anxiety take over, which is exactly what happened to Riley in the movie. I think instead of getting rid of anxiety I just need to not let it control me. As my psychiatrist said, it’s good to be cautious. For example, if a stranger asks to meet you at a deserted location where no one would hear you scream, it’s your anxiety that’s gonna say, “You know what that sounds like a bad idea that could potentially end in death so I think we should pass”.

I try to sleep but I'm wide awake
'Cause every dream is filled with envy
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]

What’s hysterical is that Envy is another new emotion introduced inside out too. I spent so much time wishing I could be as successful as someone else, instead of figuring out what I could do to get there myself. I suppose envy isn’t bad either until it starts to lead to resentment and self-hatred. It reminds me of Ted Lasso when Kealy is asking which you would rather be, a panda or a lion. Then they ask Jamie and he says, “Coach I’m me, why would I want to be anything else” and Ted responds with, “I don’t think you realize how psychologically healthy that really is.” Oh, to have his confidence.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety
Turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
Let's turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
'Cause it all just brings me down
[Insert Chorus]

Do you ever wish you could turn your mind off? That sounds lovely. And never look back? Yes, please!!! Because it does, it all just brings me down. Agonizing over past events that I have no control of anymore, and constantly thinking about what I need to do to be better. I got this book that’s supposed to help with self-love and stuff, and since starting it there’s one phrase I’ve written a few times and need to keep reminding myself. “My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments or lack of. I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love and kindness.” I’m not sure how long I’ll have to keep telling myself that before I really and truly believe it, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me
Anxiety, anxiety
[x2]

At the end of Inside Out 2 when Anxiety is catastrophizing. Joy tells her “But none of that is going to happen today, is it?” Then she walks Anxiety over to her special chair and gives her some anxie-tea to drink (get it? Because it’s tea), and once Anxiety is calm and comfy they go back to what they were doing. I think my anxiety could use a comfy chair and tea to chill when it’s no longer helpful, alas it’s not that easy. I just have to ask myself when I’m feeling anxious if my anxiety is helping me or hurting me. If it’s not being helpful and only bringing me down maybe I can try to rationalize the situation that I’m worried about.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s post, and if you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet, you got to go see it! I’ll see you next week for part 3, so please look forward to it. Always remember I’m cheering for you, and whatever it is that life throws at you you’ll be okay. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

a dead tree in a desert

#MusicMonday (Ruin My Life by Simple Plan)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Alright, I was really on the fence about writing this, but I’m sending this to my friends because they are good at telling me when I’m being honest and when I’m being a jagweed. So if you’re reading this, I can only assume they approved it. Let’s get into it and just bear with me until the end, please.

There are people in your life who just can’t seem to let you be happy. They are always bringing you down and hurting you. Realistically they probably aren’t trying to ruin your life (at least, I hope they aren’t), but it really feels like it sometimes. Maybe as you read this, you’ll be reminded of someone particular that you know. Maybe not. Let’s jump right into today’s song.

[Chorus]
I used to lie awake and let you occupy my mind
I used to put you first and always leave myself behind, and
I'll admit you got real close, but
I'll be sleeping fine tonight
Sorry, I don't mean to disappoint you
You didn't ruin my life

Coming out strong right out of the gate, aren’t they? What I’m hoping to convey throughout this post is that it’s highly unlikely someone is trying to ruin my life. I may not know everyone’s true intentions, but no one is staying up till 3 in the morning plotting my demise. 99% of the people really don’t care that much. The twist to this is people can ruin our lives though, but only if we let them. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to allow anyone to have that power over me. In some ways, this is a guide on how to deal with toxic people.

Why'd I let you in my head?
I never should've let you creep in
Every single word you said
Gotta find a way to shake it

For the longest time, I was told that everything was my fault and that I was the problem. I’m not saying I haven’t made mistakes. Of course I have I’m human, but for years I had to listen to the echoes of those voices as I tried to fall asleep at night. Bullies, teachers, and even family members.

They say things like “You’ve brought this all upon yourself”, “you just try to cause trouble”, “You’re so fat”, or “Your so lazy, you don’t even try”. When you hear something enough times it gets stuck in your head whether it’s true or not. It’s like when a song you don’t like is stuck in your head and you just can’t forget it no matter how hard you try.

You don't wanna let me be
You wanna see me fall to pieces
Tryna put a curse on me
Gotta find a way to break it
[Insert Chorus]

Sometimes it seems as if people can’t stand to see you happy, like they make it their personal mission in life to mess with you and make you miserable. Just like I said before 99% of them really couldn’t care less about you, but that doesn’t stop it from happening. There are toxic people in the world. People who only think about themselves, manipulating, and gaslighting others. I experienced that in school as well, but the problem is that when it starts happening from a young age you don’t realize that it’s not okay. At least, I didn’t realize it was toxic; I just knew they were mean and I didn’t want to be around them.

Some days I just can't win
You always had to point your finger
But words will never pierce my skin
I finally found a way to shake them

There are always going to be people in your life who hurt you. I used to hate going to family gatherings for this reason. Back then I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I just sat there and took it. Another voice that would echo in my head. I have to ask myself if what they are saying is true. It could be a valid complaint and instead of an insult, I can use it as an opportunity to grow.

The good thing about making mistakes is that you get to learn from them and not make them again. Sometimes what they are saying is BS and you just got to let it go in one ear and out the other. People are jagweeds sometimes, and just because someone is family, or a close friend doesn’t give them the right to treat you like shit. I deserve better, and I deserve respect. I didn’t believe it before, but I do now, and I hope you do too.

And you can spill your hate on me
Now I know that I can take it

Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to cut toxic people out of your life, but I’m not going to allow people like that to have power over me anymore. If people can’t treat me decently and with a little bit of civil respect, then I don’t need them in my life. No matter what anyone says, I am not the problem. I’m happy to be reasonable and civil so if someone’s got a problem it’s on them not me. This is why it’s good to have friends like mine who can objectively tell me when I am the problem. 9 times out of 10 though, I’m not.

And you're the one who's hurt clearly
You're the one who's really breaking
[Insert Chorus]

There’s that old saying, “Hurt people, hurt people”. Oftentimes toxic people aren’t bad people. They are people who are hurting and are so unhappy with their own lives that they want everyone around them to be as miserable as they are. I feel sorry for them because even while I come out stronger on the other side, they will continue to be unhappy.

Narcissism is also a real thing, and people who are narcissists legitimately can’t see how or why their behavior hurts others. Again, that’s their own problem and has nothing to do with me. Maybe one day the people who hurt us and manipulate us will also realize that they deserve better too and stand up for themselves instead of putting others down. It’s really kind of sad when you think about it.

I used to lie awake and let you occupy my mind (occupy my mind)
I used to put you first and always leave myself behind and

I wasted so much time believing their lies and being hard on myself. I didn’t know how to deal with toxic people for a long time. I was also to scared to stand up for myself. My self-esteem went down the drain, and I genuinely felt guilty for a lot of things that weren’t my fault because I was told that I was. For example, my teachers got mad at me for not applying myself, but they didn’t follow my 504 plan, where I was supposed to have my notes printed out for me.

They didn’t say that though. They said if I actually tried then I would get better grades. It’s funny because there was 1 teacher who printed my notes out. Not just for me, he did it for the whole class. He’d give us all the notes a day before to review before class. I got a B in his class. It was the highest grade I got in high school outside my graphic design and media classes. Maybe if the other teachers applied themselves and printed my notes out, I’d have a better grade. I guess we will never know.

I'll admit you got real close but
I'll be sleeping fine tonight
Sorry, I don't mean to disappoint you

I wish I could have come to this epiphany earlier, but better late than never. It’s never too late to start putting yourself first and realize that you are worthy of respect. Have standards for how you would like to be treated. Be angry when people disrespect you because you deserve better. Be proud because you are the only you in the entire universe. Don’t let other people determine your worth and value for as long as I did. It’s a waste of time and energy and no matter how hard you try they will never be satisfied.

You didn't ruin my life [x3]

I guess the title isn’t totally accurate because a lot of people DID ruin my life, but that ends today, right now. No one has the power to ruin your life unless you let them, so for the love of all that is good in this world…. Stop letting them. I’m directing that mostly at myself, but I think it’s good advice for anyone.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, please give it a like, and I would love to hear from y’all as well, so don’t be shy about leaving a comment. I’ll see y’all next week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

closeup photo of journal book and pencils

Intro: A Simple Plan for Living Life

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello world!! A new series, can you believe it? I can’t, and I wrote it. I’m just kidding. How are you guys doing? It should be the end of July most likely when this is posted. How has your summer been going? These aren’t rhetorical questions, I am genuinely curious, so let me know in the comments. Anyway, that’s enough small talk. Let’s get this thing started!

Now the title sounds a little misleading. This series isn’t going to reveal the magic spell that’s going to solve all your problems and make you live happily ever after. Life will always be difficult, but recently I’ve had a change of perspective. It could just be a brief vacation from being constantly depressed, but whatever it is I’ll take it. And I want to write about it before I forget how life feels right now because it sucked for a LONG time. In the future, I’ll be able to look back and see that every storm no matter how bad, will eventually pass.

So you may have been tipped off by the title, but this is going to be a series of Music Mondays with some of my absolute favorite songs by Simple Plan. Part 1 is going to be a song called Ruin My Life (lol I know right?!). Part 2 will be their song Anxiety with a special shout-out to the movie Inside Out 2 because how could I not? Lastly, Part 3 will be going through their song Best Day of My Life. Then as per usual, we will wrap it up with an outro. I’m really excited to write this, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

This series will go over a lot of things I’ve been struggling with and my journey to becoming what my favorite YouTuber Charlotte Dobre calls “a recovering people pleaser”. I hope the thoughts and experiences that I share in the next few weeks can encourage others who may be dealing with something similar. Make sure you’ve subscribed so you get notified as soon as Part 1 is posted, and I will see you all On Monday!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Way Less Sad by AJR)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all! I hope you are doing well. I can’t believe it’s July and I haven’t fallen behind in my posting schedule. Darn, I bet I just jinxed myself, thanks a lot, guys!! It’s not like there’s a backspace button or anything where I could just delete what I wrote and not jinx myself…. In a perfect world. Anyway, enough chitter chatter, let’s dive right in. You all read the title, right? I don’t have to do a fancy introduction. Y’all know what you’re reading, and if you don’t; Well, the fun is in the mystery. Let’s do this!!

I should move 'cause New York is gettin' muddy out
There's L.A. but it's always kinda sunny out

I keep saying I’m going to move to Arizona, but I hate moving. Also, I’ve discovered I’m one of those people who’s just never satisfied. 70 and Sunny is my ideal day. 60-70 is my ideal temperature zone for me to not complain. But I don’t like it super sunny either so I’ve just accepted wherever I want to move to, I would still complain. That’s just the kind of person I am

And I don't wanna hurt no more
So I set my bar real low

This is my secret to life. I’ve said before when I went to see Cats the Musical, my bar was set so low that even an ant couldn’t crawl under it. Because of that, I think I enjoyed the movie more than anyone else on earth. It was not nearly as horrible as I was expecting. They took a musical with no plot and made it into a movie that kind of had a plot and only changed the songs a bit. I still think they butchered Mungojerry and Rumpletezer’s song, but that’s not why we are here today.

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm a-okay, I'm a-okay 
You say it but you just don't mean it
You're so insane, you're so insane 
Shut up and just enjoy this feelin'

I’m not okay in the way most people mean when they say that, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I still have moments throughout the day that I enjoy. Right now I’m dealing with rotator cuff tendonitis which really sucks. I’d be more mad, but after 15 years I finally figured out what’s wrong with my arm so yay me!!!! I never say I’m good. I usually just say pretty good and sometimes I mean it, but feeling okay, like genuinely okay, is pretty fantastic.

[Chorus]
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

And you know what, I am WAY less sad than I used to be and I do love it. It’s quite refreshing. It feels good to wake up in the morning and not have any major catastrophes or crisis to deal with. Which is great since sometimes just dealing with my day can be a chore. You can’t always be happy though, so I have no problem settling with way less sad.

I wake up and I'm not so mad at Twitter now

The only way to not be mad at Twitter is to not be on Twitter, but maybe that was his strategy. Let me let you in on a secret… Twitter is stupid and pointless. If you want to stay in touch with someone, use Facebook. If you want a sense of community with random strangers, go join Reddit. The only thing people use Twitter for is to go pick fights with someone else whose life is so boring they also have nothing better to do than argue with rando’s online. I’m not so mad at Twitter anymore, but that doesn’t mean I hate it any less. Change my mind.

Livin' sucks but it's suckin' just a little now
And I don't wanna cry no more
So I set my bar real low

After 2 months of hell, I feel like anything would feel like a step up but I haven’t cried in like 2 weeks. How awesome is that? Please, hold your applause. You’re too kind, seriously stop clapping. I think I might start raising my bar just a bit. Maybe half an inch off the ground? That sounds like a good start, maybe in another week, I’ll raise it to a full inch who knows?

[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]
I may wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have

Maybe things aren’t actually great like I said in the last paragraph. When your life sucks that much for that long, anything is going to feel like a step up. I don’t care though. It’s stupid but it’s all I have. My counselor had to explain to me that I’m not having tiny manic episodes, I’m just actually happy and that’s a good thing. It feels good.

Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

Quite frankly I’m not sure why he is asking. I don’t particularly care what you think of me or my feelings. If you are happy just be happy it doesn’t matter if anyone else loves it, I love it!!! Happiness still freaks me out a bit, but I can deal with way less sadness.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm tryin' too hard but I can't not try

This is the problem with happiness. It always brings its side-kick excitement. I don’t need that when I’m trying to sleep!! How am I supposed to fall asleep if I’m all happy and looking forward to life? I hate how unnatural it feels. For example, I’m trying to fall asleep and it’s 11:30 and I have to work the next day, but all I can think about is how excited I am to open my Etsy shop. I was assured it’s not my bipolar disorder, but real genuine excitement which would be fine at like 3pm when my day starts dragging. Heaven forbid my feelings be convenient.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll be alright

That last line has gotten me through some of the worst days. When everything just seems so shitty I remember those words. It’s one thing to be told you’ll be alright, but it’s another thing entirely when I actually feel like I’m going to be alright. Sometimes those tiny little emotions feel more powerful than all the joy in the world.

[Insert Chorus]
I may be wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

I don’t think I’m wrong. Not right now at least. I’m not happy yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am way less sad.

Thank you so much for reading, I’ll post the song at the end. I got to see them perform this live along with a bunch of other amazing songs. It was sooooooooo much fun. Singing this song, and hearing it sung live. Not just because I like the songs, but because I truly believed the lyrics……. It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace it gave me. I would love to see them again one day.

Don’t forget to like and leave a comment. Even if your comment is just that AJR is one of the best groups ever, you wouldn’t be wrong, so I’ll allow it. I hope you guys have a great week this week, and I will see you in 2 weeks with the intro to my new series ‘A Simple Plan for living life’. Get ready for even more music Mondays. I bet you’ll never guess which group it’s featuring…

Sincerely,
LIBD

white string light

K-Quotes: The Sound of Magic

Posted on by Er-Budd

There’s this really….. Great? Yeah… it was a good show overall. It was a little too High School Musical, but I liked the story, and it had some excellent quotes. I would recommend it, but just be aware that it is part musical. Anywho, let’s get on with it. Today, there are three different quotes I want to reflect upon, but which one should I start with?

I’m not saying you should only do what you want. You should do whatever it is you want to do just as much as the things you don’t want to do.

Bro, that’s what I did this year. I didn’t even realize it until now. This quote has been sitting in my phone collecting metaphorical dust for like…. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I watched this. Better late than never though; am I right?! I don’t remember the context exactly, but I think she was saying that he needs to grow up and be more responsible. After all, when you grow up, you can’t just spend all day messing around and doing as you please. In the words of Cage the Elephant, “We got bills to pay, we got mouths to feed.” This first quote was his response.

Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun and enjoy life. Which I’ve obviously embraced if the stickers and decals on my car are anything to go by. I went to concerts, and I’m going to see Liverpool play in July. I also got a second job to save up to move out next year. Maybe growing up doesn’t have to be a horrible thing after all. When I was a kid, my parents would have NEVER given me the Tomoon 2nd generation Fanclub membership kit. They definitely wouldn’t have let me have the 3rd gen membership almost 2 years later. When you grow up, get a job, and make money, you can buy whatever you want. Silver linings, am I right?!

“Now I know. No one in the world is crazy. They make you into a crazy person little by little if you don’t fit society’s standards.”

He was an odd duck; a few times, I wondered if maybe he was actually crazy. He did do some crazy things, and I do think he needed help, but I don’t think he was crazy. I think he was just weird, like me. Sometimes, people don’t want to be around weird people, and those people get lonely and maybe a little depressed, and they need help. This show reminded me that people aren’t born good, bad, normal, or weird; we are all shaped by our circumstances. It’s easy to say that someone is crazy, but have you ever tried to get to know them and maybe find out why they are the way they are?

When I first started working at the memory care facility, I was hired as a receptionist and tried to spend as little time as possible around the residents because I thought they were kind of weird and also I had heard some pretty crazy things. I didn’t want to take the time and try to get to know them as people. Some of them I don’t talk too much at all. They aren’t really that with it, and I have a job to do at the front desk, but many of them are really cool. I can make small talk if I pass them in the hallway, and sometimes I don’t know what they are talking about, but that doesn’t mean they are crazy. Just because someone thinks or acts differently than you do, doesn’t necessarily make them weird. Maybe I’m the weird one since I don’t understand what they are talking about. People don’t come with labels; they are given them by others. The last quote is this…

Her: What’s so great about magic anyway? What’s the point of getting your hopes up that it will all work out only to be disappointed shortly after?
Him: At least you get to smile, even if only for that moment.

This quote means a lot to me right now. I’ve often wondered what the point of allowing yourself to feel hopeful is. What’s the point of allowing yourself to be happy? It’s not going to last, so why bother, right? In my See U Tomorrow series, I talked about the special tomorrow. One day, there will come a day when you will be grateful you never gave up. Even if it’s just one day, and tomorrow everything is a trainwreck again, at least you had one day. This is why those days are important. I’m glad I made time to go to concerts and stuff. My life is still a mess, and nothing will change in the next few days, but during that concert, that long drive with a friend, that visit to the zoo, or decorating my car with stickers… For that little bit of time I can be happy, because just briefly, everything that’s going wrong in my life doesn’t matter.

Magic may not be real, but I don’t watch magic tricks because I think it’s real. I watch because I think it’s fun, and life isn’t, so it’s nice to have fun things in your life. It may only be for a moment, but isn’t it nice to feel good, even if only for a moment? I think it is. I would like to be happy if only for a second because 60 seconds is one whole minute. In the Kpop world, we have this phrase we use in the fandom. A lot of a little is a lot. When a new music video gets released, we stream it as much as possible to get a good score on music shows in the hopes of a win. Some people don’t because they think it’s too much work or they don’t have time to stream all day.

I always say if we have 2 people that stream it 20 times, that’s 40 views, but if we have 50 people that only watch it once, that’s 50 views, and if you count the 2 others, that’s 90 total. Some people think that streaming is a chore that has to be done constantly and they don’t want to bother. I often think that if anything is wrong, I can’t be happy, but a lot of a little is a lot. Just because my whole day wasn’t great doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. Happiness can happen anywhere at any time. You just have to allow yourself to acknowledge it.

I think that’s what he meant in the quote from my last post. You can be happy here and now, but only if you allow yourself to be right here, right now. Thank you for reading, and I hope you are doing well. Leave a comment and let me know what you think. Also, make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss out on any posts, and I’ll see you in two weeks!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

close up photo of a sand dollar

The Art of Being Human: Finding Freedom in Embracing Imperfections

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello world!!! That was too much, wasn’t it? Seriously though, how goes it bro? Do you mind if I call you bro? Maybe I should just stick to y’all. Anyway. I’m slowly learning how to use AI, so my titles don’t sound as ridiculous. I’m still going to have to come up with an alternate title for the table of contents to save space. Honestly, I’m more concerned about this part anyway. I hope your year is going well so far. You’re very quiet. I’ll just skip to the reason we are here.

I’ve been complimented on how open and honest I am about my flaws and shortcomings. I’m always worried that if people discover the real me, they will be disappointed or dislike me. Does it matter? No. But it matters to me. Online, it’s different. You can write or rewrite and have much more control over how others perceive you than you do in real life. A lot of people use this to filter out the bad and only display the best of the best. I object to that, and I’m gonna tell you why.

My main problem is. No one’s life is great all the time. People don’t wake up beautiful or spend their lives on the beach with a halo of sunlight surrounding them. I don’t care who you are that’s not realistic. I find it to be dishonest and misleading. Do you know how annoying it is seeing how happy everyone else is? I’m over here convincing myself to put my computer aside for 5 minutes to do laundry. Let’s see what others are up to on Facebook. Wait here.

I’ve been spending years carefully crafting my Facebook feed, so all I see are cute cats, puns, and lots of pretty horses, and my dad is preparing for a presentation he’s giving about wolves tomorrow. Yesterday however, I saw someone showing off their new horse. So many people with their horses. I see people getting married, and I’m here on my couch. Still not doing my laundry. People are allowed to be happy though, and there’s always people on the other end of the spectrum too. I’m sure you’re familiar with that one person who likes to post vague statuses or constant pity party posts. The kind of person who has probably maxed out their victim card.

Life is hard, you are allowed to be sad, but you don’t have to constantly post about how much it sucks. Just how you should celebrate life’s happy moments. Still, I can only be happy for you for so long before I get annoyed. That’s not their fault though. I recently discovered that I have anger issues. If you are trying to become an influencer though, I think you are doing a disservice to your followers by only letting them see your best moments. I can’t be the only one who was once looking forward to eating a microwave pizza until I dropped it, burnt my finger on the sauce, and started crying.

I think one of the significant causes of depression is that people believe there is this ideal life that is totally attainable. If they aren’t living that life, they think they are doing something wrong. Everyone has cried over pizza at some point in life. It may not have been pizza, but I’m sure you can recall a moment when one small thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Part of my problem is I’m not a happy person. I hope one day to be, but that time is not now. You would hardly ever hear from me if I only posted good things. The other reason is that many of my real-life friends read this and know the truth. Even if I could lie to you guys, my friends would know better.

The main reason, though, is that misery loves company. When I feel like shit, I find it very comforting to know that someone else is in the same boat as me. It makes it feel less scary to know that you are not alone in your feelings. No one can understand your exact situation, but it’s nice knowing everyone goes through hard times. I’m honest and open, hoping that someone somewhere will read a post and find comfort in knowing they are not the only ones struggling.

There’s one more reason that I try to be honest and authentic. It’s hard to explain, but let me use something similar. Sometimes, if I do something particularly nice, I’ll ask the person not to tell anyone. I’m not a nice person, but I’m not heartless. Depending on the person or situation, sometimes I’ll help someone out as long as they don’t tell because I can’t have people thinking I’m nice. You see, when you are nice, everyone expects you to be nice to them. When you put your foot in your mouth, you look even worse because you’re supposed to be this lovely person. If people don’t expect much from you, it one; makes it so much more meaningful when you do help. And two, you can do good things without worrying about people expecting it.

Now, I would like to go on record. I’m not hiding anything; I’m genuinely just this bad at cleaning and taking care of myself, but by being real honest, it makes the posts more genuine. When I do write something happy, it means more because I don’t often write happy posts. My good days mean more when I think of the bad days, and my bad days mean less when I think of the REALLY bad days. Judge Judy says it’s easier to tell the truth because you don’t have to think as hard. When you lie, you have to try to remember all the lies, and I can’t be bothered with that.

When you are your authentic self, there’s a feeling of relief. You don’t have to constantly be on guard and make sure that you are only showing your best self. You can just live. And yeah, not everyone will like you, but some will. And the people who do will appreciate you for the real you, and you can just be yourself! You don’t have to do anything. I only know because I tried it in college. I worked so hard to do the right thing and say the right thing to make people like me, and I was miserable. Not only was it exhausting, but the friendship did not last after college. It’s so much easier to just be you.

Thank you for reading; that’s all I’ve got. No magic cure or anything special. I still need to work on being comfortable with my authentic self, but that’s a tale for another day. I’m watching Judge Judy while writing this. I used to watch it almost every day after school. Thanks for making it to the end, and please leave a comment to say hi. Just so I know you’re an actual person and not a robot reading this. I get quite a few robot views, but I want to know how many humans read this. Don’t worry; I would die before I allowed robot tests on my blog. Views are views, and I’m shallow like a kiddie pool. I’ll see y’all in 2 weeks.

calm body of water

Almost Over by Aquilo

Posted on by Er-Budd

The song title may be confusing. This is the end of the series; it’s over; it’s just the song that’s Almost Over. I’m sorry my jokes aren’t on point right now. I can’t believe I wrote and scheduled all of this in 36 hours. I’m sorry I have to brag about that. Moving on, I shared this song on Facebook a long time ago when it first came out. One of my friends commented that it was really dark and depressing. I don’t think it is. I find it to be a very comforting song. I like songs that don’t tell you how or what to feel; they just make you feel what you are feeling. Whatever that emotion may be, and sometimes you just need to feel.

For all you know, we're broken pieces
I'm finding it hard to live
With something that won't last

It’s times like this that make me wish I never got better. It never lasts, and it makes times like this feel even worse. Even if I clean something, it will probably just get messy before I clean something else. Happiness doesn’t last, so why do I want to feel it again so bad? Maybe I’m just stupid.

For all you know
You're still my weakness
I'm finding it hard to
Fake a smile that I don’t have

It may be hard to fake a smile, but I am an incredible actor. No one has any idea that I’m dying inside. As I said, it’s not their problem, and it’s not like they can wave a magic wand to make it better. There’s no sense telling them; if I did talk to them about it, I would say…. “Just tell me I’m gonna be okay. Tell me I don’t suck.” Even if they told me though, it’s hard to know if people are nice to you because they believe it or they are trying to be nice. Maybe I’m just not nice.

[Chorus] Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done
We don't need this anymore
We don't need this anymore

Not only do I not need this. I don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be getting my room clean. Saving money and praying every day that this one apartment I want will open up and my brother will still want to be my roommate until I get used to living on my own. I can’t be like this forever; I just can’t. Is this madness really almost over? Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

We're both waiting for the moment
When one or the other
Cuts the light and locks the door
But in this limbo where we're frozen
We're not going anywhere
We're not who we were before

I hate how accurate that is. I hate being stuck in this in between. I’m not going anywhere; I’m not who I was before. Granted, who I was before wasn’t amazing, but this Erin is useless. 10/10 do not recommend. Maybe my psychiatrist is right, and I’m just spiraling.

[Chorus]
I've given everything [x3]
And it's over
I've given everything [x3]
And it's gone

It’s hard to explain that I’m trying hard when it doesn’t look like I’m trying. That’s the other reason I don’t like people to know. They’ll tell me what to do. They’ll tell me to shower more often and wash my face so I’ll feel better about myself. They’ll tell me to clean my room so it won’t constantly stress me out. They’ll tell me to just do one little thing every day so it’s not so overwhelming. Maybe they’ll tell me to eat ice cream and cry. The last one might actually help me if it didn’t make me feel like I’m not trying to be healthier. Do you think Incompetent? Don’t you think if it was that easy, then this series wouldn’t exist? Maybe I am Incompetent.

Hold on
I've got a feeling like it's almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done

In the intro, I mentioned the book series that inspired this series. I’m sure the children in the story felt this way. Like surely, this awfulness can’t continue. I have to think they often hoped it was almost over, and each book did end. Each ending was just another calm before another storm. I don’t think any of the children had a major depressive disorder. Although surely that level of trauma would have a massive effect on someone psychologically. Maybe they were stronger than me.

We don't need this anymore [x4]
Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over

The books get longer as the series goes on. The stories of the three siblings always got worse and worse until it suddenly wasn’t. Like I said in the intro, I only just finished book one, but maybe I can learn something. Misery loves company and all that. Even if this season of my life is almost over, I won’t know until it happens. I guess I’ll just hold on. I don’t have a feeling like this is almost over, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe one day, my life that’s so horrible will just suddenly not be horrible. Maybe it is Almost Over.

Thank you for reading. If anyone else is struggling, I hope your hard times are also almost over. Until then, all we can do is hold on because holding on is better than nothing. I wish you all the best. Stay safe, stay well, and let’s keep our fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD