Side Note: I actually just got over being literally sick and tired. I had a horrible cold for the past week, but now I am sick and tired of something else……. Suicide. Now before you start hating, hear me out. I get it. I get this world can be pretty crappy, and I’m not gonna sit here and tell you it’s not, but I am sick of people dying.
I get that everybody dies at some point. My Grandpa just died a few days ago, and it really sucks! To think I’m never gonna be able to hear his jokes, go fishing, or listen to him and my grandma argue like a cute old married couple ever again. It made me realize how much it sucks to lose someone you care about. Then I heard about a member of a popular Kpop group that committed suicide, and it was like Linkin Park all over again. I’m sick of it, and I’m gonna tell you why.
I understand it; I really do. When you feel like your entire life is a waste. You look back, and suddenly all the great things that have happened seem so foreign and insignificant. It doesn’t matter if anyone cares because no amount of caring is going to fix the way you feel inside. When everything about life seems so utterly meaningless, you wonder why you should even bother living if this is all it’s going to be. IT SUCKS!!! And I am so sorry if you are feeling that way right now as you are reading this, even though my sorry won’t mean shit to you because sorry doesn’t make it better. I was there, and I was there for a long time. But, this cannot be your ending. I refused to believe that the pain and hopelessness I felt so strongly was all there was or all there was gonna be, even when it seemed like it was.
Believing there was hope isn’t what made it better either. No amount of trying to convince myself to keep living actually made me want to live. What made it better was that I talked to someone. Even though it was hard and even a little embarrassing since I’m the one who was always keeping it together, I told someone how I felt, and I got help. At first, it was awful. I wanted to get better immediately, but I didn’t, which was super discouraging. What kept me going was that I wanted so badly for my life to become something more than the pain and suffering I felt. Don’t you want to experience something better too? You deserve so much more than a life stuck in depression and anxiety, and I can honestly tell you there is more!
I texted my friend one night who had gone through something similar and asked him, “Does it really get better?” He told me it does, even though he didn’t think it would at first. I didn’t believe him either, so I asked him, “do you promise?” and he promised me it would. I thought his answer was crap for a long while, but then all my effort and annoying therapy sessions started paying off. Suddenly the world seemed brighter, and I actually wanted to live. I wanted to try and make my life something I could be proud of. I haven’t even come close to making my life something I’m proud of yet, but I’m only 22, so I’ve got time.
The main reason I’m so over suicide is that I think that if people knew what was around the corner, and if people knew all the potential of life and all the possibilities. The things they would miss out on… If they knew in their hearts how much meaning their life had to themselves and those around them. If they only understood how much they truly matter… I really think they would change their mind. When I was at my lowest, I wanted to die so bad that the fact I was still alive made me cry, and I can sit here today and tell you honestly, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am so glad I chose to live.
So if you feel down, and your life feels like a waste, please, I beg you, talk to someone. Don’t wait as long as I did to get help. No one can help you if they don’t know what is going on, and I promise it will be worth it. There is so much ahead of you, so much opportunity that you never know what you could be missing. Your life has a purpose, and it means something. I promise you it will get better. I promise. It might take a while and be a slow and painful process, but there is so much more that life has to offer than your situation right now. Where you are right now cannot and will not be your forever.
This world isn’t perfect, but what makes me the saddest about it is all the people who don’t realize how special, wonderful, and important they really are. You. Yes, you are unique, wonderful, and very much important. It makes me sad. Hearing about all the people so overwhelmed by that sadness at the beginning of their story, they never get to experience just how beautiful their story was going to become. It’s not that I think the world is messed up. How we view ourselves and our lives is messed up, and that makes us feel like the entire world must be pretty screwed up too.
My life hasn’t changed at all since I was depressed and in the hospital. The only thing that has changed is how I’m dealing with this crazy train ride that is my life. Because I see how much potential there is to life. Even if my life isn’t anything super or special yet, I have the power to make my life into something I can smile about. Because I’ve still got a lot of life left to live, and my story hasn’t ended yet, and even though the beginning of my story was pretty sad, I feel like I’m only just getting to the good part. Maybe it’ll be a few more pages or perhaps a few more chapters, but I know my story will not be a tragedy. I won’t let it be, and neither should you. You deserve so much more than what you are going through now, and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Depression, real depression, isn’t something you can get over or move on from on your own. I tried, and it didn’t work out, and I tried really hard too. It’s okay to need help. Remember, you are only human. It’s okay to admit that you are struggling because guess what! I didn’t know this at first, but everyone struggles at some point in their life. I was so surprised when I started opening up to people about how many others have had similar experiences.
There’s a quote that I’ve always been a fan of, and it says, “Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.” Keep fighting for yourself even if nobody else is. One of the most valuable things I heard during my recovery is that bad things happen overnight, but good things take time. The important thing to remember is that this right now, whatever it is, will not last forever.
Sometimes buildings get torn down or destroyed so they can rebuild into something even better. It sounds crazy, but sometimes when I look back on life, it seems like some of the worst moments of my life are the best things that ever happened to me. You have the power to make your life something that you can smile about. Give yourself some credit every once in a while. Remember that your story isn’t over yet, so don’t give up. I’m trying to learn Korean right now, and one of the things that I’ve learned but can’t spell in Korean is “Fighting!”. It means “You can do it” or “don’t give up.” But I really like it cause I feel like in life, when things get really hard, you just gotta keep fighting. Fighting for yourself, for a better tomorrow, and ultimately, a life you can look back on with a smile. So until next time… “Fighting!”
Sincerely,
LIBD
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1- 800- 273- 8255
To Write Love on Her Arms
“Fighting!” (Sick and Tired)
