Linkin Park: A New Era

Linkin Park: A New Era

#Music Monday (Way Less Sad by AJR)

#MusicMonday (Someone Else by The Jellyrox)

안녕하세요 여러븐! Happy Music Monday y’all! I’ve been trying to get faster at typing Korean on my keyboard, but it took me one minute to type that. I’m much better at typing Korean on my phone. Anywho, today’s Music Monday is a prequel to my LIBD’s guide to… that I will be posting later this week (I will do my best not to forget). Also, I will start a new series soon and announce it on the Facebook page. No need to get your hopes up, though. It’s not nearly as exciting as I’m making it sound. And without further ado … (I don’t know how to spell it, but WordPress didn’t put the squiggly red line under that one, so it’s the one I’m sticking with). Please enjoy!

Well I catch my reflection like it’s some kind of disease
Wish I quarantined my thoughts before they made it past my teeth

Self-hatred has always been a struggle for me. Even though I’ve gotten a lot better, it’s still hard. Sometimes it’s how I look; other times, it’s things I’ve said or done making me feel stupid. It’s like there’s a little voice in my head that only wants to see the flaws.

I walk outside and it feels just like the weight of everybody’s eyes
Is wrapped around my heart so tight that it might cease to beat

I have had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and the first time I heard this song, this part really stuck with me. I always felt like everyone was staring at me or laughing at me. If I didn’t even like myself, why would anyone else? My counselor told me to wear my favorite outfit when I go out so that I wouldn’t be self-conscious. When I feel like everyone’s watching me, I assume it’s because they are jealous of my outfit and not because they are waiting for me to embarrass myself….. Most of the time.

(Pre chorus) And it's all just passing through, but sometimes
(Chorus) I wake up wishing I was someone else
In a different circumstance, with a different set of plans
And I feel like the world expected someone else

I still don’t like many things about myself and my life. There’s still a lot that I wish could be different. Sometimes I wish I could trade lives with someone more talented or successful. I want to do something significant with my life, but I’m only me. Sometimes I do wake up wishing I was someone else. Someone in a different circumstance, with a different set of plans. My biggest struggle is simply feeling like I’m not enough to do the things I want to do in life.

Well I just wanna like what I see
I just wanna like being me

That would be nice, but it’s so much easier said than done.

These failures I can’t fix all feel like fire without the heat
Somehow the devil’s guilty conscience found its way inside of me

The worst part about failure is that it’s past tense. It’s already happened, and now I have to live with that failure, however stupid or embarrassing it may be. It’s really hard not to feel like a failure when my track record of messing up is as long and embarrassing as mine is.

‘Cause I let everything I see convince me that I need
To be loved and liked and listened to by everyone but me
(Insert pre chorus& chorus)

This is the worst part right here. Because I couldn’t care less, I care that other people might care, and that’s when I run into problems. I’ve been told by multiple people that I tend to much what other people think. Yes, the rational part of my brain understands that I’m probably the only one who still remembers every screw-up of my entire life, but it doesn’t matter. If I have to be around other people, I don’t want those people to think I’m a total moron.

Don’t get caught up in the feeling that the grass is always greener
‘Cause you’ll never find your meaning if you’re not ok with you

The grass really is greener on the other side. The problem is that maybe the grass is greener on that side because it always rains. Perhaps the grass is greener, but there is no one else over there to enjoy the green grass with. I’ve been around horses long enough to know that even if the grass is greener, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the better side. Sometimes the side you’re on is the best. However, we don’t realize it because we only think about the grass without considering the other possible factors. For all we know, there could be a man-eating bear on the other side waiting for an innocent little dear to come along and enjoy the green grass, and then BAM…. bear food. You never know.

And when you feel like life’s a living hell, that’s the one way you can tell
You only ever see yourself in everything you do
And life is not all about you

I can admit that I tend to be self-centered. I tend to assume that the way I see the world through my eyes is the same as everyone else’s. If you think about it, it is kind of arrogant. I spend so much time assuming what other people think or say about me. As if they wouldn’t have anything better to do with their lives than think about my most embarrassing moments. I feel like I should probably have better things to do with my life than thinking about everything I don’t like about me as well. Maybe I am too self-centered.

Don’t spend it wishing you were someone else
In a different circumstance with a different set of plans
Only you, can be the you, you were made to be (Truth Bomb)

There is only one me in the entire world, just like there is only one you. I don’t need to be my friend just because she is successful, and her life seems to be going somewhere. The position of being her has already been filled. It took me too long to realize that I needed to focus more on being me. Even if being me doesn’t look super successful or glamourous. I’ve learned that while others may have been mean to me in the past, no one has been as cruel to me as I’ve been to myself. If there is anyone who should be cheering me on and supporting me, it’s me, and I don’t do it nearly as much as I should.

And I’m starting to like what I see
I’m starting to like being me (#goals)

It’s been a long road, but I’m doing much better. I don’t think I’m fat anymore. I’m still working on losing weight, but now it’s because I want to, and not because I think I’m fat (I mean, I’m definitely not skinny, but I don’t feel eww about it anymore). I try to be more kind and forgiving towards myself, especially when I get lazy. I also don’t let other people’s opinions get to me as much anymore. The last time someone called me fat a few years ago (also 40lbs ago), I just laughed because she was always a jagweed anyway, so I wasn’t even surprised. I just did the mature adult thing and blocked her. I heard that she wants to be my friend again (for the 8th time) from our mutual friend. However, that was a year ago or so ago, and I have yet to unblock her. It wasn’t a short or easy road to gain confidence, but I will say that confidence is a nice thing to feel.

But sometimes I wake up wishing I was someone else
In a different circumstance, with a different set of plans
And I feel like the world expected someone else

Like with all things, there are still bad days. Sometimes I get caught up in the past or other peoples’ opinions of myself. There are still time’s when I get bummed out when I’m not losing weight as fast as I would like. There I days when I wonder if my life will ever amount to anything. It’s definitely not easy.

Well I just wanna like what I see
I just wanna like being me

But at the end of the day, the one thing that keeps me going is that I really do want to like what I see, and I really do want to enjoy being me. I want to wonder if maybe I’m being too conceited sometimes. It’s an excellent problem to have every once in a while. I want to enjoy going out with my friends. It’s much more fun to go shopping at the mall when you don’t feel like everyone you walk past is judging you. I know this because it has happened on multiple occasions, and it might not always be easy, but it is always 100% worth it.

This song has always meant a lot to me, and I hope you like it too.
Sincerely,
LIBD