Hey guys, it’s been a while hasn’t it. This whatever Wednesday is going to be a bit different. I haven’t really been doing the best, but with everything going on in the world I can’t just still not say anything. It’s a two parter but it’s going to be one big, long post so buckle up.
Part one is going to start with this rough draft I typed up on my phone a week or so ago, but never had the energy to post.
I’m fine. It’s true I can’t say I’m not fine because I am. I’m doing so much better, by do some days just feel so hard. It feels wrong to say I’m feeling depressed because it’s not the really bad depressed like it was. I just feel tired and worn out. All the little things like showering, brushing my teeth, or washing my face all seem like more effort than it’s worth. I don’t like feeling like this. Ever since I started doing better I’ve never admitted to feeling depressed anymore because it’s not like I’m sad or hopeless. I’m just so tired of trying so hard. Normally it goes away after a few days but it’s been almost a week and I can feel the black cloud making a comeback. I’m hanging in there though. Today I showered, brushed my teeth, and washed my face(only in the morning though). I also cleaned up a little bit before my friend came over. It’s been nice not having to be alone. That has definitely helped, but the problem is I’ve done all this stuff so why do I feel like I’m not doing anything. I want to study korean more but I can’t bring myself to put forth the effort. It’s so easy to feel discouraged. I don’t want to, but it seems like every time I turn a corner it’s right there. I just want someone to tell me that I’m doing good and it’s gonna be okay. I tell myself that all day long but it’s different when you here it from someone else. I know recovery isn’t always unicorns and rainbows, but I don’t want to feel like this, and I’m afraid it’s not going to get better. I know it’s not that bad but I don’t want it to be bad again. I just want to find my way out of the fog but I don’t see a way out. I’m watching this Chinese drama called ‘The Lost Tomb Two’ and every week they add 6 new episodes. The episodes are 40 minutes long. When they left off the week before they were exploring this tomb and after this week…… THEY ARE STILL IN THE DAMN TOMB! So much happened in those 4 hours and they are still trying to find a way out. The plot barely progressed at all and I have no idea how they managed to fill up four hours with so much action packed nothingness. It’s exactly how I feel about my depression I know it’s gonna be okay and I know it’s gonna get better and I’ve done so much….. WHY AM I STILL DEPRESSED! I suppose it will just take time. It always does I just hope I can get out of my depression faster than they are getting out of that tomb. It’s been FOREVER….. I know next week though tall dark and handsome Ninja dude will find a way for them to escape. He always comes through when it counts. I love him. But I know he knows stuff that everyone else doesn’t and I want to know what he knows and how he knows what he knows because he’s to perfect, and surely he has to have at least one dislike-able quality. But regardless, they can always count on him to save the day. I guess I need to trust myself like they trust super awesome ninja guy. I’ve had rough patches before and bounced back like I always do. Maybe this one is taking a little longer but I just gotta keep moving forward. Even if my life feels like 4 hours of a bunch of nothing. It doesn’t mean the entire show is bad. It was good before now. And I have high hopes that next weeks episodes will get the ball rolling again. It’s not over till it’s over and if I stop watching because of a few bad episodes then I might miss out on some fantastic future episodes. Plus I wouldn’t wanna miss out on tall dark and handsome saving the day. Again. And let’s be honest I’m sure there will be many more agains in the future. They are lucky he likes them, or they would have all died in season 1. And then there would be no season 2 to complain about. So, I think I have to focus on what I am doing instead of what I’m not doing. I also need to make sure I’m getting at least one thing accomplished each day so I don’t totally quit. I’m also seeing if I can hang out with my brother and my friend throughout the week so that I won’t get lonely. People need other people. I feel a bit better already just knowing I have a plan. I hope I can stick to it and feel better soon.
That was written a while ago, but I woke up yesterday feeling a lot better and coincidentally the show has picked back up as well, and I can’t wait for the new episodes. It got worse before it got better (on both accounts), but I’m just going to focus on the better.
So that’s why I’ve been gone so long. At least I didn’t totally give up on my FB page also I managed to add a quote and sneak in a music Monday just for the sake of being able to say I did something. Hopefully I’ll be back to posting weekly again after this.
This second part is in response to current events because it’s really hard to not be depressed when you are hearing about mass shootings and people dying. I wasn’t going to bother writing about it until I saw this clip from ‘The Late Late Show with James Corden‘. (it’s 4 minutes long, but it will give you some context for this next part)
After I watched this, it really got me thinking. Especially because the reason I wasn’t going to write about it was because “it was just another tragic news story”. How screwed up is that, that when I hear about a mass shooting on the news, I’m not even surprised?! That’s F’d up! I should be shocked that something like this would happen it should be all anyone is talking about because that’s how horrible and shocking it is. The fact that we have become so desensitized to things like this that we don’t even hear about all of it is disgusting, and quite frankly I’m ashamed of myself a little bit. Because when I heard about it, I was like, “oh boy not again.” What the heck kind of jagweed response is that? I feel terrible about it, but it’s basically become a part of life now and it makes me sick that I live in a world where things like this are happening, and we are too busy fighting with each other to try and come up with a solution!
Growing up I was told about what a great country we live in. About how we provided a safe place for people from all over the world to live and work. All this freedom we have and how hard so many people fought for America to be what it is today. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the America we have today is something we should be proud of. I know for a fact a bunch of people didn’t lay down their lives for their country just to have all this hatred and violence that we have today.
We told everyone they were welcome to come to this “New World”, but now we’re telling them all that they need to go. Very rude by the way. We were one nation, but now we hate each other because we have differing views on politics, gun control, and abortion, so obviously we can’t be friends if we don’t agree (that was sarcasm by the way in case you missed it). I don’t know much about economy, but I’ve heard it’s not much to brag about either. Where the hell is this great, proud, nation that all my teachers told me about because it sounded amazing, and I would love to go there. Why can’t we all just be nice to each other. You don’t have to agree, with another person to not be a jagweed to them. Quite frankly even if we were pretty great back in the day, no one is looking up to us as a country right now. No one is looking America, with all its hatred, bitterness, and violence, and saying, “You know what? I wish we could all live there”. I’m not even sure I want to live here anymore. If I had the money I’d move to the UK until I finish learning Korean. And then I’ll move there where there are no guns, but they seem to be doing just fine without them. Who would have thought?
All bitterness and sarcasm aside. We’ve got to get it together people. I literally want to cry every time I see the news. We need to do something about it. Don’t ask me what because I’m only two days out of depression plus I’m not that good at planning; but think of the little things. If we all just started being nice to each other saying, “you know what, I don’t agree with your opinion about abortion, but that’s okay because I love tacos, and so do you so let’s go eat tacos and not talk about things we don’t agree on.” If we really want America to be great again, we’ve first got to be kind again. Then maybe, just maybe…… we might be able to be great.
That’s all I’m going to say. I hate politics. Mostly because everyone these days is to uptight and defensive to have mature, civil, adult conversations about conflicting viewpoints, so I don’t even bother. I just made an exception this one time because I have faith in my 7 readers to not freak out just because I have stated my personal opinion. Plus, I already had my friend proofread it and she said it was okay. She didn’t spell check it so the spelling and grammar errors are all on me, but you know maybe one day I’ll care about being grammatically correct, but that day isn’t today because I am too busy typing the longest run on sentence in history just because I can. That was supposed to lighten the mood a bit. Did it work?